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Consider the following situations:

You feel stronger after a series of discouraging circumstances – just because a friend listens and doesn’t try to make you feel better.
You sit with a friend who's just lost a job and listen to how painful a loss it is without imposing your feelings or your solution.
A family member gives you a hug at the door as you leave from an extended visit with their loved one who is in hospice care.
You go to your child's school play, even though it conflicts with an important meeting at work.
You decide to become a hospice volunteer in order to give to others some of what you have received.
You go to a graduation for someone who's made it in spite of incredible obstacles.

While these scenarios vary widely in their contexts, each holds within it subtle principles of validation that can make a difference in individuals' lives. They will be familiar if you’ve ever done any of the following:

Listened with acceptance and not asked people to alter their problems to fit your capacities to relate to them
Pursued new directions because of what gifts have been given to you
Witnessed moments of celebration, especially appreciating the difficult journey it has been to get to that goal
Admitted there have been times when you were convinced things couldn't get worse (and sure enough, they did)
Believed you were doing the best you could, in spite of difficult circumstances
Have been grateful for the opportunity to meet a challenge

If these are familiar, you are already aware of the implicit power of validation as something more than affirmation, recognition, or simply attempting to find “some good in everyone.” Rather, validation requires knowing and believing in yourself and in other people, which can be quite complex or genuinely simple. When we are validated, it stays with us. We remember it, and we may even call upon it at times when we might otherwise doubt ourselves. While validations can help us to accept things as they are, validations also change lives. The most powerful validations come from teachers, parents, true friends, and coaches who believed in us and, as a result, we succeeded at something we didn't know we were capable of. The validation of someone we love enables us to raise children together, weather tough times, and savor wonderful moments. And when we validate ourselves, we are accepting the challenge to fulfill our potential.

What You Probably Already Know about Validation
What does validation really mean? Is it one of those words such as “love,” “empathy,” or “care” that we frequently use without appreciating its fullness? Webster's dictionary defines validation as “a confirmation, or substantiation of something or someone.” It derives from the Latin word “valere,” which means “to be strong.” Some might look at what is here and call it prayer, which it is – empowering prayer.

Validation starts with the self and enhances self-esteem by helping us not only to know but also to believe that we are worthwhile individuals. The more we are validated, the stronger we become in facing vulnerability, pain, and difficult life circumstances at any age. It is from such self-validation that we can provide the same for others.

Sidney Simon believes validation enhances self-esteem, self-concept, and self-image by resonating with an internal desire for living fully. According to Simon, through validations we receive from ourselves and others, we can become more willing to take risks, to experience all of life more fully, and to celebrate our uniqueness and our connections – in short, to immerse ourselves in the vulnerabilities of love and caring throughout life.

Validation also facilitates “little acts of courage,” from making the phone call that asks how someone is doing after a loss to making the choice to become a hospice volunteer to choosing to attend our child’s volleyball game rather than an important meeting. The more we are validated, the more courageous we become in facing life's challenges. It is by the accumulation of these small acts that we learn to believe we can succeed despite sometimes difficult odds.

My wife Sharon Olson and I continue to refine our definition of validation as “a holistic, positive and genuine, non-judgmental encounter that communicates a commitment to the best (or higher) self, appreciating the moment and the journey, witnessing, gentle honesty, and suspending judgment.” We suggest that these key principles can guide you in fostering meaningful communication with patients and families, as well as help you infuse your own personal relationships with more genuine and enduring gifts of self. But first, I suggest you take the self-validation test. It will sensitize you to the principles that lie ahead.

For further discussion of the five principles of validation, go to validation.